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The Naked Housewife™ - Christmas Rules

Re-Release June 23, 2018

      Since they will be putting up Christmas decorations in the stores in July, I thought I'd help.

Date: December 30, 2003

READ AFTER DRINKING - 20 year old PORT is good

• Always cook more turkey and stuffing than you will eat, then you will have
  leftovers. I sometimes have gone 30 days on leftovers. 20-minute dinners. My forte.
  
  
• Use stick-free aluminum foil - the greatest invention on the planet, and a
  toss-it aluminum roasting pan - ditto! Recycle.
  
  
• Keep a bottle of wine, port, and some bourbon around. It will spice up
  everything from hot coffee to sausages to stuffing, and port wine goes well in
  mince pie. If you are having guests, you will need it, too.
  
  
• Serve veggie platters instead of mashed potatoes and turnips, and buy them
  ready-made - people just want the turkey anyway (or ham) - people are carnivores for the most part.
  
  
• Pre-made pie crust is very good now so use it whenever
  
  
• Pre-made pies can be ordered as can Christmas bread and plum pudding
  
  
• Unless you have the time - don't cook more than necessary - unless you have special plans...
  
  
• Don't bother to vacuum until after the packages have been opened because
  all the glitter and ribbon bits will mess up the rug anyway
  
  
• Don't clean anything unless it moves of its own volition. And then don't vacuum the cat.
  Unless, you usually vacuum the cat.
  
  
• Leave tinsel on the garlands so you can decorate faster next year. Makes packing up easy.
  
  
• Always buy a new package of hanging hooks for ornaments every single year since the ones
  on the bulbs will manage to remove themselves by next year. Not sure what goes on in those ornament boxes.
  
  
• Musical items that play the same Christmas song over and over and over and... must have an OFF switch.
  
  
• Children that mess with Mother's musical items don't get any pie -
  I like Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer! And Run, Run, Rudolph
  
  
• Run the dishwasher and unload it before Christmas dinner. That way your
  guests can reload the machine all by themselves after dinner.
  
  
• If you are not feeding more than eight people, two pies are enough. Two kinds of cookies,
  three if children are involved, are enough. Forget fudge, no one should eat it anyway.
  
  
• Stick on bows sometimes need a little tape assist - but they basically work
  well. Leave fancy decorations on packages to the kids to make.
  
  
• When you are running low on your supply of wrapping paper, be sure to
  shop next Dec 26th for more at 1/2 price. Store the paper and bows and crap in a garment bag - you aren't traveling anyway.
  
  
• Christmas starts Dec 25th and runs 12 days. Use this rule when mailing
  packages. There are no lines at the post office on the 26th.
  
  
• Christmas cards can be mailed anytime you get around to it. I have cards I
  bought to mail four years ago, and they are still in their box.
  
  
• Remove stuffing after dinner and place in fridge - and then deal with the
  turkey when you can. Keep it cold, not frozen, and strip it within 3 days. 24
  hours is better if you are still standing and not drunk. Zip-top freezer bags are marvelous.
  
  
• Gravy made from pan drippings (and Kitchen Bouquet) and seasonings -
  you should make a VAT, can be added to the meat and stuffing freezer packs
  making them a meal in a bag. 2 cups turkey + 1 cup gravy or 1 cup stuffing and
  1/2 cup gravy per baggie.
  
  
• Make gravy with a BAMIX (or other STRONG mixer) - it takes care of lumps.
  No self-respecting lump will survive a BAMIX whipping.
  
  
• Put a red-plaid table cloth on the table and white dishes and add anything
  you own that sparkles. A few candles. And turn out the overhead lights.
  Can't complain if they can't see it.
  
  
• Shelled nuts come in bags and cans, saving the problem of finding where
  Uncle Joe and little Tommy left those pesky nut shells that you always find
  when barefoot.
  
  
• Children over 22 do not need candy in their stockings.They need toothpaste,
  socks, and funny underwear.
  
  
• Put the tree up 5 days before Christmas, water it well, take it down as soon
  as the water runs out.
  
  
• If you cannot get the Christmas ornaments into one of the two storage units
  you rent, it's time to clean the storage units.
  
  
• Do not use low-fat evaporated milk in your pumpkin pie. YUCK!
  
  
• Mothers are always entitled to pie. Children who argue about this should
  receive coal in their stockings. Mothers are often known to eat raw cookie dough.
  Especially close to Christmas. Fine if they used pasturized eggs.

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